Sinking in the sea and trusting Allah again

When you are not facing Allah it is so easy to get tossed about and lose your bearing in the world. When Jesus was walking on water and Peter climbed out of the boat to go to him in the huge waves, he was able to stay above the water as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus. The moment he took his eyes off and looked at the waves the fear came in and his trust in Allah through Jesus was swept away. 

When I finally accepted I was gay, all those 20 plus years ago, a peace from Allah flooded into my soul and I knew, in that moment, I was okay and created good and loved deeply by Allah. When I began my job as a youth director and had to go back into hiding this part of me and listen to others discuss the evil that homosexuals were my eyes began to move from looking at Allah, and holding fast to what He had shown me, to looking at the world and what it said about me. Fear made its way back into my heart and, like Peter that day on the sea, I sank back into the water drowning in the pain of the cold biting wind and waves of the world. This pain erased from my mind the peace and experience of Allah's all encompassing love and mercy for me and how He created me. 

It wasn't until yesterday that I was shown where the strength and trust I once had went weak. It was fully lost the day I made the decision to resign because some parents discovered I was gay. It isn't so much because I resigned but the why and how I resigned. I turned fully away from Allah in that moment and had never fully recovered although have had tastings through the years. Now is the time to fully return to what Allah already showed me those 20 plus years ago. I am reaching out to take Allah's hand to lift me out of the cold water. I shall look only to Allah for my sense of worth and let the world be the world. I shall live in it reconciled to Allah and by His grace be an example to help others know His true love. Inshallah this will positively affect the world one soul at a time.