Fear

Fear. 

This one word could define my whole life. If there is one thing that has haunted me and worked hard to control me the last 49 plus years – it is Fear. Fear of, literally everything. I am amazed that I have been able to force myself through many of my Fears through the years, but there are many that still paralyze me. It isn’t always easy to get out of bed or go to work or talk to friends or people. Fear is my life partner, closer than any lover I have ever had. Fear knows the depth of my heart and the perfect words to whisper to bring me to my knees and knock the breath out of me. It can strike me down with one look or one word or one feeling. 

Right now Fear is making a strong comeback and trying to push its way between me and the peace I have fought so hard to develop these last few years. The reason, I believe, is because I have started to fully push back on it and stop it in its tracks before it can get a hold of my mind. And like any unhealthy lover you try to change your pattern with, it is striking back. It is yelling louder, physically attacking me, and emotionally beating me up. Fear is not holding back now that I am fully engaged and awake to its game. 

I can only pray that each step I take, counting down from 5 and then acting opposite the Fear, continues to give me the courage to push past this bully and move forward in my life. I can only hope that each breath I release, instead of holding in, pushes me past these Fears that tell me friends will think I am creepy or strangers will think there is something wrong with my mental facilities. 

Thoughts, when given too much time, betray my best interests as they side with the Fear and start telling me stories which in turn actually produce awkward encounters or conversations or moments with friends or strangers. These encounters than bring about the real view that I am creepy or have mental deficiencies. The Fear paralyzes me and wins. It wins almost every time. Then I pull back from people and disappear letting Fear hold me in the darkness of our lover’s hideaway. The longer I let Fear hold me, the harder it is to leave it behind and try again. The older I get the harder it is and the more tired I become of living like this at all.

It is my hope, that I can use “The 5 Second Rule” to push through this Fear, then hold the Fear at bay, and eventually overcome all of the Fears that paralyze me each and every day. I long to be free and to live fully. Thank you Mel Robbins for the knowledge and practice that works when I remember to put it into play.

Dear Beloved

Dear Beloved

I am waiting here.
The place we agreed to meet.
Your train or bus or plane,
Whatever mode you are traveling,
Seems to be late
Or
I am early
Or
The timing is perfect
And we both just have some work
To finish, preparing our hearts.    

Each beautiful soul that passes by
I hold my breath,
Hoping it is you.
Some stop to chat for a moment,
But then continue on
To meet their own version of you.

Sometimes the loneliness in this spot
Crushes my chest and 
Pushes tears out my eyes. 
I wonder if I remembered wrong
And am at the wrong place.
Then I check our connection....
It is the right place.

I may be early
Or
You may be late
Or
The timing is perfect.   

      

Evil or Good or both?

People desire to separate their worlds into polarities of dark and light, ugly and beautiful, good and evil, right and wrong, inside and outside. Polarities serve us in our learning and growth, but as souls we are all.

Joy Page - American Actress

When I was a little girl I made a promise to God to live, perfectly, so I could take friends and family members place in hell, if they weren’t saved by the time they died. My view of God was really one of hellfire. If you didn’t follow His commands and take Jesus as your savior, you were going to Hell. My little 12 year old heart’s intention was from love – and a ton of fear. I was going to be their back up plan if Jesus couldn’t save them. Sweet and innocently arrogant.

The major problem with that one “little” promise was how it shaped my world view and controlled my behavior until I reached an age, sadly not until a few years into college, where I was forced to face the reality of what it meant, in lieu of who I honestly found myself to be. I would not be able to save family and friends because I had to confess I was one of the most vile and evil sinners of all – a homosexual. Gasp. But, that is a whole different blog…

Basically I developed a really harsh, limited, and black and white view of the world. People were either good or evil. There was no such thing as grey. The grey aspect was part of the darkness trying to seduce us away from the light of God. Everything I witnessed, experienced, thought about, and talked about was colored by this world view. It was not a kind view of the world. It was depressing to see all the evil rampant (per my perception, not necessarily reality). I preferred to be dead and in heaven than alive on this dark earth. Yet, even with many attempts, I stayed because I promised to sacrifice myself for those I loved, if they hadn’t accepted Jesus.

There were many lessons in life that I believe God brought my way to clear and straighten out my twisted and dark vision of this world. Many people I met who made me question the legitimacy of my world view. 

And most recently an even deeper lesson has been percolating within me. In people I would consider the evilest of people, they too contain the light of God. They too can show love, as limited as it may be. They too strive to make things right, as counter-intuitive to me it may seem. And those I encountered in my personal life that I once called evil, well there are others who have seen their good side. Could it be that we really are a mixture of these polarities and depending on who we mix with, one side may become more prevalent than the other in their company?

Can there be people who, naturally inclined to be kind, generous, loving, bring out the worst in another naturally kind, generous, and loving person whereby unintentionally causing pain to those they love? Maybe it isn’t about one being evil and the other good. Maybe it really is we are all a mix of evil and good (with a dose of Karma thrown in). And instead of calling it evil and good, maybe call it our animal nature vs soul nature. Maybe there is a scale, like the Kinsey scale of sexuality, which measures the strength/visibility of the light of God within a person. Some are on one end of the scale with their light more hidden like on a dark cloudy day, but the light is still underneath the clouds. Some may be in the middle, where it is a semi-sunny or grey sky,  then we have the people on the other end with more sun shining than clouds covering their light.

For all those I judged and called evil, my sincerest apologies. I was wrong. We all carry the divine qualities and light of God and all deserve basic respect for that.